I am writing this simply to write. I expect this will be rather boring to everyone else. But I had plans to get something down today and I think making decisions is important. But they only work if you actually stick to them. I know, I know I am wise beyond my years.
All snarky self deprecating humor aside it is 10:30 at night. I had at best 3 of sleep last night. It was not for my usual reason of self imposed disquiet (I seriously think I could give Woody Allan a run for his money). It was actually lovely. I was catching up with a friend and the hours slipped away. Unfortunately I live about an hour away from where I was. I came to an outrageous conclusion last night. I have it from time to time despite myself. Essentially I love living in New York. With a forlornly realization of how much I disagree with the city’s direction it’s my home town. I feel like I have something prove to it and myself. I bet that statement alone is a psychoanalyst’s dream come true.
There is about an hour a day that is magical for me. I hardly ever get to acknowledge it. But from twilight to sunset I fall intensely in love with New York . But it only happens if I am outside and relaxed and get to appreciate a view. There is something deep inside me that is just awestruck by the landscape at that time. The sun sets and as it vanishes into the horizon it draws the light from the sky turning it a luminous midnight blue. At the sometime the buildings light up and the bridges look adorned with pearls. Despite this poor description, I find a certain peace of mind I don’t normally lack. No matter how terrible I feel, no matter how overwhelming life is, no matter how heartbreaking the state of the world is, I am generally contented. I am happy to be right where I am for 60 minutes a day. I should start making it a habit to being outside just sitting quietly for that time whenever I can. It’s encouraging to know that sometimes the forces of the earth’s rotation can actually center me. Newton would be revolted by how I just described inertia.
Anyway I need to try and get some sleep now. Andrew Bird and Brooklyn Brown Ale are not working, I think it is time to put on Exotica and let some paroxysmal dancing to Leonard Cohen lull me into slumber. God I sound so pretentious when I read that last line.
I guess I may as well dive into the abyss of utter posturing and officially end this on an Albert Camus quote. It may be contrived but I think it sums up everything I just tried to say.
“Beauty is unbearable, drives us to despair, offering us for a minute the glimpse of an eternity that we should like to stretch out over the whole of time.”
